Fear of Not Existing

I fear death,

Now before you scoff and say we all do,

Listen to my pain.

As I lie in bed,

Peacefully reminiscing my day,

My heart chokes up,

And suddenly the air is sucked up by my thoughts and restricted to my brain.

I once wrote about ignorance being a blessing I mistook,

This stands true.

When I believed in Him,

I wasn’t afraid,

My heart didn’t feel like an ever dropping stone in my chest,

Floating and stabbing every inch of my core,

Hard and obsolete.

Every breath couldn’t be traced through my rapidly tightening lungs and closing throat.

The air didn’t feel heavy and inaccessible.

I didn’t begin hyperventilating with tears flowing like a stream down my long angular face.

I lived in ignorant bliss for sixteen years,

And then God made me angry.

At least the figure that I am told is God.

I cut ties with religion and renounced all beliefs.

So now I believe in nothing.

I believe that everything is random and nothing happens for a reason.

We were put on this earth as a result of evolution and nothing else.

There is no point to anything and nothing is meant to be.

Life is unbearable when you believe in nothing.

I’m terrified of the nothingness that ensues death,

And yet I want to kill myself to end this suffering of my fear of death.

I hurt,

I struggle to breathe,

I struggle to eat,

I struggle to sleep.

All because I am consumed by the fear of nothing.

The fear of simply not existing.

We as humans can’t physically imagine death,

And this is what keeps me up at night.

I want to know what happens,

Maybe if I know what to fear I’ll stop fearing it,

My anguish will be quieted.

But also ignorance was bliss,

And maybe to some extent this is ignorance.

How does one establish value in life when they believe there is none?

-Asking for a friend.